The Power of Coffee and Awkward Conversations


I really didn’t want to talk to her about this.

I had already made small efforts to smooth things over, but I still hadn’t just sat down, looked her in the eye, and said what I needed to say.

We used to be quite close, but enough had changed that I didn’t know what to expect. The truth is, I was afraid. I was afraid of awkwardness, of saying it wrong, of not hearing the response I wanted to hear… of being hurt again.

It took strong prompting from people whose wisdom I trust to get me to ask her to coffee. We went to a local cafe, I bought her a latte, we made very friendly small talk that felt like old times… then I took a deep breath and carefully broached the subject.

Over the next hour, we talked, listened, shared our hearts, laughed, affirmed and encouraged each other, and hugged. By the time I walked out of that coffee shop, my heart felt a thousand times lighter. I drove away enthusiastically gushing to God, “Yes!! This is what it’s supposed to be like! Thank You for unity, humility, and RECONCILIATION in Your people!”

This will probably shock people who’ve known me for longer than five or six years, but I can honestly say that at this point in my life, I am a huge fan of awkward conversations. Preferably over coffee.*

I think this is because I hate division. I really, really, really hate division. I hate when people who ought to be showing the love of Christ to each other can’t bring themselves to just lay the awkwardness on the table and deal with it. I hate it when someone I really do like and respect can’t bring him- or herself to make things right with me. Some things are better left unsaid, but many times, unspoken words fester like a wound that won’t heal.

I’ve actually been on the receiving end of these “awkward conversations” toward reconciliation more often than I have initiated them, and I can tell you, I’ve always walked away with more respect for the other person and feeling like a wall had been broken down. Every time, when the conversation is approached with love, tenderness, honesty, and humility, I know God is rejoicing with us.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God… So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”
(Matthew 5:9, 23-24)

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body.”
(Colossians 3:12-15)

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
(Romans 12:18)

We’re a family. We’re one body in Christ. We have no right to let unspoken words build up walls between us. Love and unity is our mandate, and I’m determined to fight for it – Every. Single. Time.

So if you need to initiate an “awkward conversation” with someone, here’s my advice:

  1. PRAY. Get God’s heart for the situation. Ask Him for love to abound (Philippians 1:9).
  2. If you can without breaking anyone’s confidence, talk to someone you know will give you wise counsel and pray with you before the conversation takes place.
  3. If at all possible, ask if you can take them out for coffee (or tea, or fro-yo, or whatever). Avoid the “business meeting” feeling. Let them know that you value spending time with them.
  4. Don’t launch right in. Chat, ask questions, show interest in their life and heart outside of this one issue. This is part of loving and honouring them well.
  5. Share your feelings as simply, honestly, and tenderly as possible. Ask forgiveness in any area you can think of.
  6. Embrace the awkwardness. Laugh about it! They’re probably as uncomfortable as you are. Acknowledging it robs it of its power.
  7. Ask questions and listen. Let them say whatever they want. The goal is mutual understanding for the sake of unity.
  8. Encourage the other person! Tell them what you love about them. Affirm what you see God doing in their life.
  9. Don’t be paranoid about saying everything exactly right. The point is to expose what’s been hiding. It’s okay if it’s a messy process.
  10. GO LOW. Humility is your best friend. Humility will win the war when every other weapon fails.

It’s amazing how much healing can come from a cup of coffee and open communication soaked in love, humility, and honour.

So go forth and be boldly awkward for the sake of unity, my friends!

*I love the cultural phenomenon that is “going out for coffee” together with someone, but I’m actually not a huge coffee person, so if you ask me out for coffee, I’m probably going to just drink tea.

To Love the Church Like Jesus

(One of my IHOPU classes, Basic Christian Beliefs, is giving the assignment of blogging on certain questions from the lessons every week. This week, I’m choosing the question “Can you love Jesus but hate the church?”)

“I love Jesus, just not the church.”

I’ve heard variations of this statement to varying degrees over the years. In a way, I understand. I really do. A lot of people have been deeply hurt by members of the Church. It’s very understandable to react by distancing oneself from the Church and to seek out one’s own spiritual path toward God. And in one sense, I am so pleased when such people feel hurt, and they still cling to Jesus. That’s a remarkable thing and a testament to who He is even when His people misrepresent Him. But here’s the thing.

Jesus is not bitter against His own body.

If we want to be on this journey of loving what God loves and hating what He hates, then we have to get His perspective of how He sees the Church.

He nourishes and cherishes the Church as His body.

“For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.”
(Ephesians 5:29-30)

He rejoices over His people as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride. We are His betrothed.

“For as a young man marries a young woman, so shall your sons marry you, and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.”
(Isaiah 62:5)

“And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy.”
(Hosea 2:19)

“And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.”
(Revelation 21:2)

We are called to stand alongside Jesus as friends of the bridegroom, to be jealous for the bride in the same way that He is.

“The one who has the bride is the bridegroom. The friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom’s voice. Therefore this joy of mine is now complete.”
(John 3:29)

“For I feel a divine jealousy for you, since I betrothed you to one husband, to present you as a pure virgin to Christ.”
(2 Corinthians 11:2)

What best man (the modern equivalent of the “friend of the bridegroom”) would ever say before the wedding, “I love the guy, but I can’t stand this girl he’s marrying”? What groom would ever choose someone who was angry or bitter at his chosen bride to stand beside him on his wedding day?

Of course the Church has issues sometimes. Sometimes big issues, in certain areas. But she is in the process of being sanctified, and she will be ready on that Day. In the meantime, we need to give her lots of grace and love her as Christ loves her, and laid down His life for her. (Ephesians 5:24) We need to get a higher vision. The Church is not the broken individuals who hurt you. The Church is so much bigger and more glorious than that. (For one thing, the Church is global and eternal, not one localised expression or cultural agenda.) And if she’s not completely glorious now, she will be soon. Jesus sees her in that way, even as He sees us as perfectly holy and chooses to be blind to our flaws.

I want to love what Jesus loves and hate what He hates. I want to see through His eyes–and His eyes are fiery with jealous desire for His bride.