I really didn’t want to talk to her about this.
I had already made small efforts to smooth things over, but I still hadn’t just sat down, looked her in the eye, and said what I needed to say.
We used to be quite close, but enough had changed that I didn’t know what to expect. The truth is, I was afraid. I was afraid of awkwardness, of saying it wrong, of not hearing the response I wanted to hear… of being hurt again.
It took strong prompting from people whose wisdom I trust to get me to ask her to coffee. We went to a local cafe, I bought her a latte, we made very friendly small talk that felt like old times… then I took a deep breath and carefully broached the subject.
Over the next hour, we talked, listened, shared our hearts, laughed, affirmed and encouraged each other, and hugged. By the time I walked out of that coffee shop, my heart felt a thousand times lighter. I drove away enthusiastically gushing to God, “Yes!! This is what it’s supposed to be like! Thank You for unity, humility, and RECONCILIATION in Your people!”
This will probably shock people who’ve known me for longer than five or six years, but I can honestly say that at this point in my life, I am a huge fan of awkward conversations. Preferably over coffee.*
I think this is because I hate division. I really, really, really hate division. I hate when people who ought to be showing the love of Christ to each other can’t bring themselves to just lay the awkwardness on the table and deal with it. I hate it when someone I really do like and respect can’t bring him- or herself to make things right with me. Some things are better left unsaid, but many times, unspoken words fester like a wound that won’t heal.
I’ve actually been on the receiving end of these “awkward conversations” toward reconciliation more often than I have initiated them, and I can tell you, I’ve always walked away with more respect for the other person and feeling like a wall had been broken down. Every time, when the conversation is approached with love, tenderness, honesty, and humility, I know God is rejoicing with us.
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God… So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”
(Matthew 5:9, 23-24)
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body.”
(Colossians 3:12-15)“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
(Romans 12:18)
We’re a family. We’re one body in Christ. We have no right to let unspoken words build up walls between us. Love and unity is our mandate, and I’m determined to fight for it – Every. Single. Time.
So if you need to initiate an “awkward conversation” with someone, here’s my advice:
- PRAY. Get God’s heart for the situation. Ask Him for love to abound (Philippians 1:9).
- If you can without breaking anyone’s confidence, talk to someone you know will give you wise counsel and pray with you before the conversation takes place.
- If at all possible, ask if you can take them out for coffee (or tea, or fro-yo, or whatever). Avoid the “business meeting” feeling. Let them know that you value spending time with them.
- Don’t launch right in. Chat, ask questions, show interest in their life and heart outside of this one issue. This is part of loving and honouring them well.
- Share your feelings as simply, honestly, and tenderly as possible. Ask forgiveness in any area you can think of.
- Embrace the awkwardness. Laugh about it! They’re probably as uncomfortable as you are. Acknowledging it robs it of its power.
- Ask questions and listen. Let them say whatever they want. The goal is mutual understanding for the sake of unity.
- Encourage the other person! Tell them what you love about them. Affirm what you see God doing in their life.
- Don’t be paranoid about saying everything exactly right. The point is to expose what’s been hiding. It’s okay if it’s a messy process.
- GO LOW. Humility is your best friend. Humility will win the war when every other weapon fails.
It’s amazing how much healing can come from a cup of coffee and open communication soaked in love, humility, and honour.
So go forth and be boldly awkward for the sake of unity, my friends!
*I love the cultural phenomenon that is “going out for coffee” together with someone, but I’m actually not a huge coffee person, so if you ask me out for coffee, I’m probably going to just drink tea.
Today, I showed up for my 10:00 am IHOPU class just like usual on a Monday morning with the rest of my junior classmates. Generally at this time the sophomore 8:00 am class would just be getting out, but as I approached the room, I heard music playing and what sounded like someone crying on the mic. I was told that the Spirit was moving and we were welcome to come in, but normal class plans were on hold for the time being.