Deliver Me

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A few weeks ago, I posted about my car’s breakdown and having to choose joy in the midst of stress. Here’s the sequel to that episode and what God was teaching me in it.

Idris broke down on Sunday, February 14, (happy Valentine’s Day to me) and was in the shop until Saturday, February 20. It took the mechanic a while to figure out what was wrong with it, so for almost a week, I had no answers — and no car.

The Tuesday of that week in my Desert Spirituality class (we’re studying the Egyptian Coptic monks of the 4th and 5th centuries) my teacher posed a challenge: Meditate on one verse for a week. This was the verse assigned:

“Make haste, O God, to deliver me!
O Lord, make haste to help me!”
(Psalm 70:1)

I admit, although I undertook the challenge enthusiastically, at first I couldn’t really connect with it. David was asking the Lord for deliverance from men who were trying to kill him. Being unable to relate to that situation and feeling pretty secure in most areas of my life, I wrestled with the question, “What do I need deliverance from?”

On Friday, while walking from my piano lesson back to the prayer room, I got a call from my mechanic. Long story short, my catalytic converter was blocked and needed to be replaced ($600) but this was only a symptom of a larger untraceable problem and the blockage would only build back up over time (six months to two years) and possibly damage more things along the way, sooooo… his advice was that I start looking for a new car.

GREAT news to hear on a Friday morning!

I sat down in the prayer room, opened my journal to where I had started to write about Psalm 70:1, and thought wryly, “Welp, I know what I need deliverance from now.”

But in the next moment, I knew it wasn’t my car situation itself that I needed deliverance from. It was my attitude about my car situation.

I needed deliverance from fear. Worry. Distrust. The enemies I was fighting were all internal.

Crazy how I get the most revelation and encounter when I’m suddenly in some sort of desperate situation… when I suddenly realise how much I need Him.

At noon, right at the beginning of her set in the prayer room, Erica Jensen started singing a song by Audrey Assad that has recently become very dear to the entire IHOPKC community since Audrey sang it at Onething. (You can watch the set HERE, and you can even see me in the front row. It’s kind of weird to watch the exact moment God was impacting my heart!)

From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing
From a life of worldly passions
Deliver me O God
From the need to be understood
From the need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God
And I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want
–“I Shall Not Want” by Audrey Assad

It was exactly what I needed to hear.

That night, Misty Edwards sang the exact same song at Encounter God service. It was a powerful moment. Even Misty was choking up and had trouble finishing the verse. (You can watch that set HERE. The song starts around 33 minutes.)

Lord, deliver me from fear of not having what I need. Deliver me from trying to figure things out on my own. You are my shepherd, and I shall not want. I lack nothing with You. I rest in Your presence and provision.

Enjoy Audrey Assad singing I Shall Not Want at Onething 2015:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqtVmC9Gt8g

Epilogue: I paid for the repair and got Idris back on Saturday, February 20. I’ve been driving her gently ever since (except that one time I drove to Dallas last weekend…) and she’s been behaving very nicely for me.

Choose Joy

I hate to feel out of control.

I really, really hate to feel out of control.

I hate when “life happens” (why do people say that as though life is a bad thing?) and monkey wrenches get thrown into my plans. I hate when the carpet gets pulled out from under me and I’m faced with a situation completely outside of my power to fix.

I wish I could say my response to these kinds of situations is immediately godly. I wish I could say my heart is flooded with peace and I keep my eyes set on things above as I recall all the times Jesus has provided for me. Instead, I usually get incredibly frustrated, stressed, and unpleasant. I tend to complain loudly, listing life’s offenses against me as though preparing a legal case to vindicate my right to be frustrated. By the grace of God, though, I think over the years I’ve gradually gotten better at choosing peace and trust and joy more quickly.

This weekend my friend Peter visited Kansas City. We kind of grew up together and were very much in the same youth group cohort in high school. He goes to school three hours away from Kansas City and really wanted to visit the prayer room, so I drove out to pick him up and set him up in a friend’s house for a couple nights. Friday and Saturday were great. We hung out, got pizza, sat in the prayer room, went to service, and played games with some of my worship team.

Sunday I was already running a little late to pick Peter up for church, and I walked outside to icy roads and Idris‘ windows coated with ice. I set myself to the task of scraping, grumping all the way, and then my scraper head broke off from its cozy mitt. Not happy. It took about 15 minutes to scrape my windows, alternating hands while my fingers went numb. I quickly decided that I needed to rise above frustration and choose joy, but I wasn’t very awesome at it. Here’s how that went:

“I’m thankful I have a car. I’m thankful I’m in Kansas City at IHOPU. I’m thankful my scraper still works. I’m thankful there’s no wind. I’m thankful there’s no sign-in at service on Sunday so I won’t lose any attendance points. I’m thankful Peter is cool and won’t be mad if I’m late. (Oh Jesus, my fingers! How much more to scrape?) I’m thankful I have a car. I’m thankful the Holy Spirit lives inside of me and I get to live with Jesus forever. I’m thankful this is my last Missouri winter. Last Missouri winter. Last Missouri winter. Last Missouri winter.”

Church was great, we only missed a little bit of worship, and we were on the road to take Peter home in good time. Until…

Idris stopped accelerating. Being unable to push past 20 mph on the freeway is Not A Good Thing.
long walk and a taxi from good
We pulled over and Peter looked at my engine and walked to buy oil while I called my dad near tears. (As previously stated, I HATE to feel out of control.) I then called AAA for a tow, and we ended up leaving Idris at my mechanic’s shop (he’s an IHOPer I’ve used before and he’s awesome), getting picked up by my wonderful roommate, and borrowing her car to drive Peter back home.

The afternoon was crazy and I was all kinds of stressed, but through it all, I again tried to keep reminding myself of what I have to be thankful for.

I’m thankful I have a car.
I’m thankful Peter was with me when it happened.
I’m thankful my roommates were so encouraging and helpful.
I’m thankful Peter had enough wiggle room not to get in trouble with school.
I’m thankful the tow truck came quickly.
I’m thankful I have an awesome mechanic whom I know and trust.
I’m thankful the roads weren’t icy anymore and we had a safe drive.
I’m thankful my dad was able to talk to me and help me stay calm.
I’m thankful my tax refund just came in and I shouldn’t have trouble paying for repairs.
I’m thankful I live right by IHOPU and my roommate is in my classes so I won’t have trouble getting to school.

Even when crazy things happen, they’re not the end of the world. They are opportunities to choose joy and grow in love and trust for Jesus.

Maybe next time I’ll be even quicker to choose joy.