Tag: IHOPKC

Onething 2013

On By CaitlynIn IHOPKC Life

I arrived back in Kansas City on December 27. I would have stayed in California longer, but I was eager to get back to Kansas City to attend the annual Onething conference December 28-31.

Onething 2013
“Rightly do we love You, Son of God, Son of Man. Rightly do we love You, Jesus…”

Since 2002, IHOPKC has dedicated the last few days of the year to a massive young adult conference with the chief aim of growing passion for Jesus in the “one thing” spirit of Psalm 27:4. In 2002, over 4000 people attended; in 2013, over 35,000 people filled Bartle Hall in downtown KC. I had just taken ten days off of work to go home, so I didn’t want to take any more time off for the conference, but I made sure to be there every chance I got. Since I had so little time to be there, I signed up to serve every session I could. I served two shifts in the bookstore and two on the ministry team. As much fun as I had working with books in a retail environment, my favourite times were when I got to wear the blue “Ministry Captain” vest. I got to go up front during worship and sing my heart out with the crowd of young people pressing close to the stage, then move through them during the ministry times and lay hands on them and pray for God to move in their lives. I believe God gave me several divine appointments with people He wanted me to pray over, and a few of them keep coming to mind and I’m still praying for them.

This year was extra special because we had several special guests. Matt Redman, Jesus Culture (including Banning Liebscher!), and Francis Chan all joined us. That was of course in addition to our own amazing IHOPKC worship leaders and speakers such as Misty Edwards, Laura Hackett, Justin Rizzo, Allen Hood, Corey Russell, and Brian Kim. Matt Gilman even came back to worship with us! He led us in some very loud, sweaty, dancey worship through midnight on December 31. We entered the first minutes of 2014 with dancing, singing, and shouting praise to Jesus!

The recurring theme through the teaching all weekend was David’s vow in Psalm 132.

“I will not enter my house
or get into my bed,
I will not give sleep to my eyes
or slumber to my eyelids,
until I find a place for the Lord,
a dwelling place for the Mighty One of Jacob.”
(Psalm 132:3-5)

This vow highlights the urgency of forsaking personal comfort for the pursuit of God having a dwelling place on earth. In David’s time, that meant building the Temple. Ultimately, that will mean Jesus’ personal return to the planet. Throughout all times, however, it means the manifest presence of God dwelling among us. We want God here. We want to create an environment in which God is welcome. We are not okay without Him. Everything else is secondary.

We need to regain this urgency.

I need to regain this urgency.

Francis Chan and Misty Edwards both spoke about Revelation 3 and the slow slide into lukewarmness. The scary thing is that we can be in such a spiritually dynamic environment and still realise one day that we don’t have the same fire we once did. I once wrote in my journal during the final few weeks of my internship:

“I’ve learned that going dull is not acceptable. And it can be fought with actual tools I’ve been given. I was created to live in communion with Him. If I can’t hear His voice, that’s a problem. If I can’t seem to remember why I need to, that’s a full-blown crisis. I need to live inside His heartbeat… If I read this later and realise I’m not–consider this the trumpet sounding in Zion. Shields up, red alert. Houston, we have a problem. There is no neutral in the Kingdom. You’re either going forward or back… if you don’t have that constant communion with Jesus, get on your face, figure out why, and then do whatever it takes to get it back.”

This is what’s been striking me the past few weeks. I’m hearing that Joel 2 trumpet sounding in Zion. I want to hit 2014 running harder than I ever have before. I am not okay without the daily presence of God.

Lord, help me.

Watch the archives of the Onething 2013 conference here: IHOPKC.org/onething And don’t miss Corey Russell’s teaching on Psalm 132!

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In Living We Die, In Dying We Live

On By CaitlynIn Bible Stuff

(One of my IHOPU classes, Basic Christian Beliefs, is giving the assignment of blogging on certain questions from the lessons every week. This week, I’m choosing the question “Why should Christians break bread together?”)

On the night before His death, Jesus acted out a picture of what He was about to do.

Don’t just read the verses. Enter into the quiet, sacred drama of the moment. Let it take your breath away.

“And when the hour came, he reclined at table, and the apostles with him. And he said to them, ‘I have earnestly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. For I tell you I will not eat it until it is fulfilled in the kingdom of God.’

“And he took a cup, and when he had given thanks he said, ‘Take this, and divide it among yourselves. For I tell you that from now on I will not drink of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes.’

“And he took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to them, saying, ‘This is my body, which is given for you. Do this in remembrance of me.’

“And likewise the cup after they had eaten, saying, ‘This cup that is poured out for you is the new covenant in my blood.'”
(Luke 22:14-20)

This is one of the sacraments or ordinances that the Church has practiced together for generations. Jesus left us this tangible reenactment to keep His death fresh in our minds. When we come to the table, we come in humility, as a family of grace, each repenting of our sins and thanking Jesus again for His body and blood that were sacrificed for us.

This partaking of the bread and wine together is about many things, but at its core it is about embracing death in order to receive life. Consider this episode from earlier in Jesus’ ministry:

“So Jesus said to them, ‘Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven, not like the bread the fathers ate, and died. Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.’

“Jesus said these things in the synagogue, as he taught at Capernaum. When many of his disciples heard it, they said, ‘This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?’ …After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him.”
(John 6:53-60, 66)

This kind of talk is confusing and offensive! Jesus clearly wasn’t trying to “win friends and influence people” here. He was inviting people into the experience of embracing His death and making His death a part of them. He wants us so closely identified with His death that we are willing to “eat His flesh and drink His blood.” He wants His death entwined into our DNA.

Paul said that baptism represents the same reality.

“Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his.”
(Romans 6:3-5)

Again, life and death and death and life, all wrapped up in each other. Ted Dekker explored this theme in his novel When Heaven Weeps. “The path to life runs through death… In living we die, in dying we live.”

Paul actually said that when we take the bread and the cup, we “proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes.” (1 Corinthians 11:26) He was warning the believers in Corinth about taking the Lord’s supper lightly, as merely a chance to eat and drink, without showing concern for one another and without repenting. This is not church snack time. This is a holy reenactment of the most scandalous, tragic, glorious event in history. GOD DIED. He had a body and it was ripped to shreds while blood gushed out. He was mocked, beaten, nailed to a tree, and died in agony.

“Drink of it, all of you, for this is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.”
(Matthew 26:27-28)

When we take communion or “break bread” together as a family, we are corporately reidentifying ourselves with the death of Christ. His blood cleanses us, His suffering heals us, and His death brings us to life.

How dare we ever for a moment forget.

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To Love the Church Like Jesus

On By CaitlynIn Bible Stuff

(One of my IHOPU classes, Basic Christian Beliefs, is giving the assignment of blogging on certain questions from the lessons every week. This week, I’m choosing the question “Can you love Jesus but hate the church?”)

“I love Jesus, just not the church.”

I’ve heard variations of this statement to varying degrees over the years. In a way, I understand. I really do. A lot of people have been deeply hurt by members of the Church. It’s very understandable to react by distancing oneself from the Church and to seek out one’s own spiritual path toward God. And in one sense, I am so pleased when such people feel hurt, and they still cling to Jesus. That’s a remarkable thing and a testament to who He is even when His people misrepresent Him. But here’s the thing.

Jesus is not bitter against His own body.

If we want to be on this journey of loving what God loves and hating what He hates, then we have to get His perspective of how He sees the Church.

He nourishes and cherishes the Church as His body.

“For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.”
(Ephesians 5:29-30)

He rejoices over His people as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride. We are His betrothed.

“For as a young man marries a young woman, so shall your sons marry you, and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.”
(Isaiah 62:5)

“And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy.”
(Hosea 2:19)

“And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.”
(Revelation 21:2)

We are called to stand alongside Jesus as friends of the bridegroom, to be jealous for the bride in the same way that He is.

“The one who has the bride is the bridegroom. The friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom’s voice. Therefore this joy of mine is now complete.”
(John 3:29)

“For I feel a divine jealousy for you, since I betrothed you to one husband, to present you as a pure virgin to Christ.”
(2 Corinthians 11:2)

What best man (the modern equivalent of the “friend of the bridegroom”) would ever say before the wedding, “I love the guy, but I can’t stand this girl he’s marrying”? What groom would ever choose someone who was angry or bitter at his chosen bride to stand beside him on his wedding day?

Of course the Church has issues sometimes. Sometimes big issues, in certain areas. But she is in the process of being sanctified, and she will be ready on that Day. In the meantime, we need to give her lots of grace and love her as Christ loves her, and laid down His life for her. (Ephesians 5:24) We need to get a higher vision. The Church is not the broken individuals who hurt you. The Church is so much bigger and more glorious than that. (For one thing, the Church is global and eternal, not one localised expression or cultural agenda.) And if she’s not completely glorious now, she will be soon. Jesus sees her in that way, even as He sees us as perfectly holy and chooses to be blind to our flaws.

I want to love what Jesus loves and hate what He hates. I want to see through His eyes–and His eyes are fiery with jealous desire for His bride.


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Why Study Eschatology? (The Short Answer)

On By CaitlynIn Bible Stuff

(One of my IHOPU classes, Basic Christian Beliefs, is giving the assignment of blogging on certain questions from the lessons every week. This week, I’m choosing the question “Why is studying eschatology a profitable practice for a Christian?”)

Eschatology can be a really intimidating concept. Many Christians don’t really like to think about it in any kind of detail. We love to quote verses like “He will wipe every tear from their eyes,” (Revelation 21:4) but don’t really study the process that leads up to that moment. I’ve had family members and close friends tell me that their eschatology is “pan-tribulation” (“It will all ‘pan out’ in the end”) and that reading the book of Revelation is “too scary.”

This boggles my mind. The fact is, God is telling a STORY with humanity that has a beginning, a middle, and an end. We passionately defend the beginning and the middle, but sometimes it seems like we couldn’t care less about the end, so long as we all end up happily ever after somehow in “a better place.”

I want to know the story God is telling. He has wrapped up some of the most profound and stunning revelations of His character in those final few chapters. I can’t know Jesus fully unless I look at Him in the context of a Bridegroom, King, and Judge who’s coming back to rescue and marry His bride, rule the earth, and execute full justice. The book of Revelation is “the revelation of Jesus Christ.” (Revelation 1:1)

Furthermore, that time is getting close. We would all agree that it’s closer than it’s ever been, but seriously, it’s getting CLOSE close. I want to have as much understanding of this time period as possible so that when things start happening, my own heart can remain unoffended and fully engaged with what God is doing, and I can also help others to stay in that place. There is no reason I should be caught unaware on that day. He’s already given me everything I need to understand what’s coming – the Spirit and the Word. He wants me to watch, stay awake, and set my heart to love the day of His appearing. (2 Timothy 4:8)

Maybe it won’t come in my lifetime. It really might, but if it doesn’t, I will build a legacy for the next generation of this eager and faithful watching. When He comes, He WILL find a Bride made ready. (Revelation 19:7)

“Now concerning the times and the seasons, brothers, you have no need to have anything written to you. For you yourselves are fully aware that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. While people are saying, “There is peace and security,” then sudden destruction will come upon them as labor pains come upon a pregnant woman, and they will not escape. But you are not in darkness, brothers, for that day to surprise you like a thief. For you are all children of light, children of the day. We are not of the night or of the darkness. So then let us not sleep, as others do, but let us keep awake and be sober.”
(1 Thessalonians 5:1-6)

“And will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them? I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?”
(Luke 18:7-8)

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Just “Jesus Being Jesus”?

On By CaitlynIn Bible Stuff

 (One of my IHOPU classes, Basic Christian Beliefs, is giving the assignment of blogging on certain questions from the lessons every week. This week, I’m choosing the question “Did Jesus perform any miracles before His public ministry?”)

There’s a tension in the Church related to how we envision Jesus during His time on Earth. Do we see Him as so completely ordinary that we confine Him to the context of history and miss the surging reality of His divinity? Or do we see Him as an ethereal, unreachable Being who is constantly gazing vaguely into the clouds with open palms while the Hallelujah chorus echoes around Him?

Both mindsets carry unique dangers and errors. However, for much of traditional church culture (although in emerging culture it’s somewhat the opposite), the latter seems to be more prevalent. We’ve put Jesus in a halo and told Him to stay there.

Part of the result of this over-sacredizing of Jesus is that we get this idea of Him practically sneezing out miracles like it’s nothing. I’ve heard people joke about Jesus as a kid multiplying food whenever he was hungry, or healing animals, etc… you know, just “Jesus being Jesus.” The trouble is that this is not what the Bible says. John 2:11 describes turning water into wine at the wedding in Cana as the “first of his signs.” That only happened after the Holy Spirit came upon Him at His baptism. (John 1:32-34)

When we get this idea of “Well, that’s just Jesus being Jesus. He’s God, so He just does stuff like that,” we miss the entire point of what Jesus was trying to demonstrate.

“So Jesus said to them, ‘Truly, truly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing. For whatever the Father does, that the Son does likewise…. I can do nothing on my own.'”
(John 5: 19, 30)

Do you see the implications of this? All of Jesus’ miracles weren’t done by the power of His own divinity. They were done as a human in full submission to and partnership with the Holy Spirit.

So what does that mean for us? Jesus said it this way:

“Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father. …It is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Helper [Holy Spirit] will not come to you. But if I go, I will send him to you.”
(John 14:12; 16:7)

If Jesus was our example, and He actually did all that He did as a human empowered by the Holy Spirit, and He really has given me this same Holy Spirit, that means the exact same resources that were available to Jesus are available to me. I can heal the sick. I can raise the dead. I can cast out demons. All of it is my inheritance.

It’s not just “Jesus being Jesus.” The same Spirit who raised Christ from the dead lives in me. (Romans 8:11)

Hallelujah. God, help me live in that.

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Daddy Jireh Strikes Again

On By CaitlynIn IHOPKC Life

Here’s my big news of the week thus far:

I GOT A JOB!!!

Two Sundays ago, four days after I moved in, I started driving around town picking up job applications. I literally just drove around and walked into every store that looked interesting. Not necessarily the most strategic way to get the job of your dreams, but it is indeed an effective way to get *a* job, especially if you just need part-time whatever. Bed Bath & Beyond was hiring, so I picked up an application and took it home. I spent the rest of the week filling out apps and returning them, finally making it back to BBB on Friday. I would have had an immediate interview if the manager wasn’t busy, so he called me back on Monday and I interviewed, got hired, and had my first two training shifts on Tuesday and Wednesday. WOW!! That was so crazy fast! God is so good!! Third application submitted, first interview, less than two weeks after moving? WHAT???? That’s called extravagance, ladies and gents. God doesn’t do things for his children by halves.

The staff have been really friendly and supportive, another girl from IHOPU works there, and I found two Whovians and a guy from California. HA. (The Whovians and I agree that Peter Capaldi will grow on us just as Matt did. And we will all cry when Eleven regenerates just like we did for Ten.) I’m working in soft lines, which is the towels and bedding and draperies and such. FABRIC. I get to touch fabric and learn about it and talk about it and help customers pick out the right things and best matching combinations… I have sooo much to learn, but they’re going to train me very thoroughly and I will love it here. (And I’m making over minimum wage for this state, which is nice.)

I have the sneaking suspicion that my life is about to get rather overwhelming and sleep will become even more of a rarity than it already is, but it’s completely okay because I LOVE what my life is right now. I’m getting so much good biblical teaching, I have an amazing small group that already blesses me so much, I have the perfect apartment with one of my best friends, I have an INCOME (hallelujah), and best of all, I get to spend almost every morning in the prayer room talking with Jesus as the sun rises. His mercies are new every morning. 🙂

A few particular prayer requests:

  • Favour and quick learning in my new job.
  • A bike so I don’t have to use quite so much gas.
  • Grace and time to work on my creative projects– piano and writing, etc.
  • Continued financial provision.
  • The spirit of wisdom and revelation and I pray and study (Ephesians 1:17).
  • God to use me wherever I go.
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+8 Days and Counting!

On By CaitlynIn IHOPKC Life

Yesterday was my one week anniversary of being in Kansas City. YAY! KC and I are pretty happy together and expect this to be a long-term relationship, so I’d say things are going well so far. 😉

I’ve been doing 6:00-9:00 a.m. prayer room every morning Monday-Thursday, and I have class at IHOPU at 10:00. That means I wake up at 5:00, get out the door by 5:50 to be early to the prayer room and get my favourite seat, then I’m in there for one full intercession set and half of a worship with the word set. Worship leaders this week have been Justin Rizzo, Jon Thurlow, and Tim Reimherr. I’ve listened to their cds but rarely heard them lead live, so that’s kind of fun.  I also love that the ACTS missions school students are in there in the mornings with me, as well as many IHOPU students, so I’m surrounded by plenty of fiery young people to help me wake up and get my prayer on. 😀

Then I come home and get to spend about 45 minutes eating breakfast, talking with whichever of my flatmates is in the kitchen, and reorienting my brain for class. My class schedule this quarter looks like this:

  • Mon/Wed 10:00-12:00 – Biblical Hermeneutics with Daniel Lim
  • Tues/Thurs 10:00-12:00 – Basic Christian Beliefs with Jono Hall
  • Wed 1:00-3:00 – Sermon on the Mount Practicum with Wes Martin and Dana Candler

I’m also going to have discipleship group meetings once a week, most likely Tuesday afternoons, plus regular service/outreach activities together, but I haven’t been assigned my leader yet. I am definitely looking forward to that, though. I know I want to devote some time to going out with the evangelism teams again at some point, and maybe also ushering and CEC. We’ll see how much my schedule can hold.

These classes are SO much fun already. Bible classes were always one of my favourite parts of APU, and it feels good to be back in the swing of analysing worldviews, doing exegesis, comparing hermeneutics, etc. I did of course get really good Bible teaching during OTI, but it was much less academic. And as much as I love that, I enjoy a little scholarliness thrown in the mix as well. It’s good to approach the Bible in a variety of ways.

I’m also looking for a job. I picked up a stack of applications from all over town that I’m working on getting filled out and turned in, so continued prayer for that would be awesome.

I finally put my keyboard on my desk and started teaching myself some worship songs on it. It is of course veeeeery slow going, but I really want to be able to use music more in my secret place times with God. I know how to figure out the notes and chords even if it takes me a long time, so I am slowly but surely trying to build the habits into my fingers. Maybe one day I’ll be able to post a video of something… even one of my own songs, perhaps? We’ll see. Don’t hold your breath.

All in all, this week has been mostly me figuring out what the upcoming months are going to look like, and I can tell you right now that my future here looks very exciting. I’m at one of the most unique places on the earth for pursuing the knowledge of God and I’m surrounded by passionate, fun, godly people to run with. God has provided for me so graciously already in so many ways, and I know he will continue to provide everything I need. I can’t wait to see what he has for me as I give myself to this thing.

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The Road Home: Welcome Home!

On By CaitlynIn IHOPKC Life1 Comment

The rest of the road trip since Phoenix was very fun. I spent a night in Roswell with a very family-like family I got to know through camp. They made me feel so at home, and I love them dearly. 🙂 The next night was spent in Tulsa with two dear friends I’ve only met in person twice before, but with whom I’ve been very close online for years. We all met in the Ted Dekker online fan community, and these two formed a very special bond, repeatedly travelled over several states to spend time together, and are now engaged! !  I had a delightful time talking Ted Dekker, Doctor Who, wedding, and plain old life stuff with them. I treasure these people and it’s such a gift whenever I get to actually talk to and hug them in person.

And finally…. Helloooooo, Kansas City! I made it. I arrived on Wednesday, August 14 in the early afternoon. I spent the rest of the day moving in, hanging out with intern friends, and grocery shopping (eek, adulthood is expensive!). I have my own bedroom in the basement apartment of a wonderful couple’s house just up the street from the prayer room. I currently have three flatmates, but two of them are leaving soon and we may be getting a new one… someone’s looking at the room today. It will for sure be me and my dear friend and former OTI roommate. The shared living space is adorable. Full kitchen and living room, bathroom, laundry room, everything. It’s very well decorated and cozy and colourful. My own room is so much more perfect than I even expected. I was anticipating having to buy a thrifted bookshelf or something for the 70+ books I brought, but as it turns out, there are more shelves and drawers in this room than even I know what to do with. There’s colourful art on the walls, as well as a beautiful bouquet on the desk (I have a desk!) that one of my flatmates bought me as a welcome gift. I am so happy and at home here already. I haven’t had my own room in years.

DSC00992
Can you find the two Doctor Who references in this picture? (You might have to zoom.)

Thursday and Friday were long days of orientation. I met so many amazing, passionate, fun IHOPU people and I am so excited to get to know them better and to do this thing together with them.  We did a scavenger hunt and I loved getting to drive Idris, stuffed to capacity with six people, around Kansas City finding shops and completing tasks. It was very fun to discover that I still (mostly) know my way around town and to discover new places to shop!

Thursday night was our consecration service. It was a really amazing time of setting ourselves apart for God in this season. I definitely felt God’s presence and it was so amazing to realise that although I’ve spent so much of the time since I was last in Kansas City struggling and trying and repenting, it’s a new season and I have no limits on how far I can go in him. Furthermore, there is zero condemnation for all of those times I felt like I was missing it. He actually valued all those times I kept coming back. I’m overwhelmed by his faithfulness and I am so excited to see where he’s going to take me as I press into him!

Tomorrow, I start classes and try to adjust to an early morning Sacred Trust (prayer room hours). Since I’m a sophomore, I can choose my prayer room schedule, and I have several weeks before I have to commit to a schedule, but I’ve decided to try out the 6:00 a.m. time slot. I have class at 10:00, so I’ll probably “officially” be there till 9:00 and then head out around 9:45 or so. That’s the plan so far. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Thank you for all your support and prayers! I know many of the people reading this are my family and friends, but I also know I have some regular readers I’ve never even met. Thank YOU so much for entering into this journey with me!

A few ways you can be praying for me:

  • Finding a job.
  • Continued financial provision.
  • Godly, provoking relationships among my flatmates, discipleship group, and IHOPU as a whole.
  • Single-minded focus in the prayer room and in classes.
  • Boldness and anointing in moving with Holy Spirit in whatever he’s doing.
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Caught Up In Mercy

On By CaitlynIn IHOPKC Life1 Comment

I’ve been caught up in mercy
I’ve been caught up in grace
All my cares have fallen off now
And this joy I can’t explain…
-Zac Dinsmore, IHOPKC, “Caught Up In Mercy”
Listen on Soundcloud

This song was one of the big tools God used to encounter and change me during my time in OTI. A conversation with a friend brought it all to the surface again the other day, so I decided that now’s a good time to share this part of my story.

I’ve often had difficulty understanding the abundance of God’s grace toward me because since I got saved when I was three, I’ve often felt like I don’t have much of a testimony. There wasn’t much of a dramatic before-and-after; I was three, for heaven’s sake! I had a hard time with verses such as Luke 7:47, which says, “Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” Of course, I know that because of Jesus, I’m not going to hell, and that in itself is huge, but… I still felt like I was missing something, like all of the ex-drug-addicts could somehow love Jesus better than I could.

One night, as Zac was singing this in the prayer room, I was thinking back again through my life and who I used to be. God really has brought me so far. I normally start telling my testimony at age three, then jump to high school when my spiritual renaissance began, but that night God started reminding me of all the childhood sins I’d like to forget… things that are seemingly small in retrospect, but I remember exactly how I felt during those times and I know that it came from genuine darkness within me. I remember trying to bury the guilt, but I couldn’t undo the damage. I was a hard-hearted selfish little 12-year-old who was bitter at nothing in particular, and I hated that about myself.

The great mercy is that even then, God wouldn’t let go of my heart. I still somehow loved him and kind of wanted him. I knew I was missing something about the whole God thing, and I wanted to be a mature Christian someday, but really didn’t want to be “weird.” And so I kept God at a safe distance. Even though I was a church kid, my heart mostly lived in darkness.

And God broke in and rescued me from that. I would sit in my room and pray for “breakthrough” even though I didn’t know what I meant. I wanted to just wake up with all my darkness gone, because I hated it but didn’t know how to grow without the growing pains. He was faithful, though, and gradually he brought me out of that and into genuine light and love.

Through all this time, I was “saved.” I was a “good church girl.” I wasn’t acting out or doing crazy things, but I was still living in a shadow of what my life was meant to be.

He could have left me there. I was on my way to heaven, the big job was done, God would have been completely within his rights to leave me floundering and move on to the next lost soul, knowing that he would get all of me in eternity eventually anyway.

But he didn’t.

He wasn’t content to just leave me technically saved but still in the dark in so many ways.

He wanted all of my love NOW, immature and broken though it is. He actually WANTED me, the in-the-process me of today. He knew it would be a messy, bumpy road, but he so desperately wanted to be with me that he refused to wait. He fought to bring me to this place I am today. He died to bring me to this place of love and intimacy NOW, not just in the age to come. It wasn’t just about eternity. It was about me being free and knowing him TODAY.

He wasn’t content to leave me. He fought for me because he wanted me.

I cried for twenty minutes when all of that hit me.

What if he didn’t? What would my life have been like if he had left me there at age 12, or if I hadn’t gotten saved at all? Although it’s impossible to predict that alternate timeline with any kind of accuracy, I know the tendencies and impulses I struggle to quash on a daily basis. If left unchecked, they would no doubt destroy me.

I know me too well. And he loves me too well to leave me to that.

In his mercy, he not only rescued me from what was but from what might have been.

He saved me in every way a person could be saved.

That’s the grace I’ve been caught up in.

Zac Dinsmore "Caught Up In Mercy" album artwork
Listen to “Caught Up in Mercy” on Soundcloud
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Spring Break Update

On By CaitlynIn IHOPKC Life, Personal Updates1 Comment

I was on spring break from camp this week. I spent the entire week at home. Easter was lovely, and it definitely gave me a chance to observe and reflect on how we’re all growing older and so much has changed. We haven’t done a real Easter egg hunt in several years, so Mom just dumped a bunch of candy on the floor and we all sat around politely nibbling on it. No mad grab, no piles, no trading five jelly beans for one Reese’s. We did a little bit of dare-you-to-eat-this-mystery-jelly-belly, though, so I guess full maturity hasn’t hit yet. One or two “significant others” joined us, which makes my heart swell with joy. I love adding to the family circle. especially such wonderful people and perfect fits as they are. Many of us went to different Easter services and even different churches, which was weird but good. We’re each choosing our own spiritual communities and our own places to encounter God.

The rest of the week was relaxing but fun and productive. Highlights:

  • I kept my Netflixing minimal. (Well, I say “minimal”… I went through all of season one of Dollhouse in two days, then successfully avoided TV the rest of the week.) Those who’ve lived with me will recognise the accomplishment this is.
  • In my defence, the above marathon occurred during recovery from a devilish cold which almost put me out of commission for a few days at work. And that ain’t easy to do. I went through more tissues this week…
  • I purged and organised my giant 6’x6′ IKEA bookshelf and cleared out a whopping 13 of its 25 squares. All of my college papers are now completely sorted and labeled. Hallelujah.
  • I went thrift shopping with my sister and bought three adorable tank tops for a total of about $5 that were all completely unique yet all had nearly the exact same yellow colour scheme. I seem to have definitively discovered my new favourite colour.
  • I watched the Doctor Who episode “The Eleventh Hour” with my sister while eating fish fingers and custard, as the Doctor and Amelia iconically do in the episode. I cannot even express how gleefully geeky we felt.

    Oh yes. This happened.
    Oh yes. This happened.

I also took some more baby steps forward on the IHOPU planning front.

  • I got in touch with someone in Kansas City from whom I might be renting a basement room. Things are looking very positive– OHMYGOSH I’M RENTING MY OWN PLACE!!
  • I filled out my IHOPU application, then seem to have recycled it along with mounds of junk from the shelves I cleaned. Ah well. Emailed the admissions office for another form, since it’s inexplicably not online.
  • I did a projected state of my financial affairs in August. Not too shabby. Not exactly fully self-sustaining, but definitely starting off on the right foot. 🙂 God is providing… I love it when he does that!

Oh, and the Academic Calendar for the Fall 2013 semester is now online.

2013 Fall Semester

August 15–17 | New student orientation
August 19 | Fall semester/quarter I begins
October 11 | Quarter I ends
October 14 | Quarter II begins
November 24–December 1 | Thanksgiving break
December 13 | Fall semester/quarter II ends
December 15–January 19 | Christmas/winter break

Guys, this is starting to feel really real again.

I do have a few prayer requests, since I’m apparently in list mode:

  • The last trimester at camp to go well– energy for all the staff!
  • A good summer job to come through.
  • Housing arrangements in KC to be settled.
  • The application process to IHOPU to go smoothly.

Thank you for your support and your prayers as God turns my life beautifully upside down. 🙂 Grace and peace!

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