Holy Stubbornness: Don’t Quit on Your Calling


Building a house of prayer is NOT easy. I’ve heard multiple leaders say it’s the hardest thing they’ve ever done–way harder than planting a church, doing overseas missions, etc. Really, the only reason this place is still standing is that years ago, God graciously gave us a holy stubbornness to NOT QUIT NO MATTER WHAT.

There are so, so many reasons to quit. When the money falls apart, the people wander off, the building gets taken away, other important causes demand attention… there is every good and natural reason in the world to quit.

In the “world”.

But we are not of this world. We don’t think like this world. We are not slaves to things like practicality and pragmatism. We don’t make decisions based only on numbers and logic.

We make decisions on faith.

13 years ago, God called a guy named Brad to start a daily prayer meeting that was eventually supposed to become a 24/7 house of prayer (this is TPR’s origin story). And then one by one, over the years, God called each of us to be part of it. Occasionally, He calls someone out of it just as clearly as He called them in. But MOST of the time… He expects us to plant our feet and not walk away from the thing He called us to. No matter what.

Of course we look at the numbers and listen to reason. Sometimes God leads through reason. But there are times, especially about the big things, when we need to set our face like flint and refuse to back down.

“For the Lord GOD will help me; therefore shall I not be confounded: therefore have I set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be ashamed.”
(Isaiah 50:7)

For us at The Prayer Room, that means first and foremost day and night prayer, 5:00 am to 11:00 pm with live worship, every single day of the week. We don’t take a day off and we don’t cut corners. We don’t cut the schedule when we’re running low on people–by golly, we’d invent human cloning before we’d cancel a prayer meeting.

For me personally, holy stubbornness means I know I am called to be part of the house of prayer movement. I make decisions based on that calling. I have discouraged guys from pursuing me because of that calling. I arrange my finances and my schedule around that calling. For me, God has been clear that means full-time missionary staff at The Prayer Room. I do not have the right to decide to do something else with my life, no matter how convenient, attractive, logical, or even necessary other options may seem.

The pastor I grew up with, Pastor Danny at Water of Life, calls this “staying on your number”. Years ago, he used a sermon illustration of gym class at school where the coach would tell all the kids to stand on their assigned number on the gym floor. No matter how much you wanted to move or felt entitled to a more favourable number, you had to stay on your number. The phrase has become Water of Life shorthand for staying grounded where God has planted you.

Really what this comes down to is obedience and faith.

“And Samuel said, ‘Has the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to listen than the fat of rams.'”
(1 Samuel 15:22)

In the story of 1 Samuel 15, God told King Saul to completely destroy his enemies and all of their possessions and livestock. When the prophet Samuel showed up, he found that King Saul had done his idea of the right thing, which was to spare the best of the livestock for the purpose of sacrificing it to God. That sounds pretty holy, right? But God’s message to Saul was, “I told you what to do, and you didn’t do it. The excuse ‘I’m doing this for You!’ doesn’t cut it, because I TOLD YOU what to do, and this was not it. To obey is better than sacrifice.”

Obeying what God actually said is better than doing other good things for good reasons that are NOT actually what God said to do. God delights in obedience. It gives Him great pleasure when we trust Him enough to follow what He said to do no matter what, even if there are “good reasons” to do something different.

For us, that means we’re stubbornly going to keep building the house of prayer.
For you, it might be the house of prayer, or it might be something different. Maybe God has called you to overseas missions, or to a church ministry, or to a specific marketplace career. Maybe it’s your marriage, or homeschooling, or fostering/adoption.

DON’T QUIT.

God called you into this for a reason. You said yes for a reason. Remember what that reason was, and hold onto it. Unless He releases you as clearly as He called you… don’t walk away.

Get stubborn. Get iron in your soul. Get a flinty face like Isaiah. Get radically surrendered like Jesus in Gethsemane.

Walk by faith, not by sight.

When it gets hard, He will give you grace to walk through it. His grace is sufficient. He will not let you fall. He might let you come close, but His promise is that those who wait on Him will not be ashamed. I think that means that even if there are moments or seasons of pressure and even embarrassment, in the long run you will not regret choosing to trust Him. You will look back a thousand years from now and be so grateful you kept saying yes. Wisdom will be justified.

It’s worth it. Holy stubbornness that says YES to Jesus no matter what is worth it.

Don’t give up on Him.

What I’m Reading: "I Never Became Straight. Perhaps That Was Never God’s Goal."


Continuing my “What I’m Reading” series, here’s something that gripped my heart this week. Right on the heels of my blog on the beauty of Jesus posted last week, I read this article by Rachel Gilson that seemes to take my points and make them raw and relevant in a very difficult situation. In this article, entitled “I Never Became Straight. Perhaps That Was Never God’s Goal.”, Rachel shares very openly about her journey into lesbian relationships and her discovery of Jesus.

What I love about Rachel’s story is the way that falling in love with Jesus was what led her to choose to follow what the Bible has to say about sexuality. It only took a straightforward reading of the Bible for her to understand that God says homosexuality is wrong, but it was a much harder wrestle to understand why. Why should love be wrong, no matter who it’s between? How could the God who is love say no to that?

Even without having the answers, Rachel was falling in love with Jesus. And because of simple love for Him, she chose obedience before understanding.

“In the end, it came down to trust. I knew Jesus was worthy of trust, because he had made a greater sacrifice. He had left the bliss, the comfort, the joy of loving and being perfectly loved, to live a sorrowful life on earth. He took the pain and shame of a criminal’s death and suffered the Father’s rejection, all so I could be welcomed. Who could be more deserving of trust?

“The obedience of faith only works when it’s rooted in a person, not a rule. Imposed on its own, a rule invites us to sit in judgment, weighing its reasonableness. But a rule flowing from relationship smoothes the way for faithful obedience…

“We can’t say no to something good unless we’re saying yes to something even better.”

This is what the beauty of Jesus does. Becoming captivated by the beauty of Jesus allows us to trust and obey Him, even when we can’t understand why. Our faith is placed in a person, not a philosophy. We see His heart, His intrinsic goodness, humility, and love, and we cannot help but conclude that He is worthy of any sacrifice.

I believe that relationship with Jesus – real, vibrant, adoring, trusting relationship with Jesus – is the only hope for transformation in the LGBTQ+ community. “Because God said so” means nothing to someone who doesn’t know, love, and trust God. Externally imposed rules without relationship will only bring despair.

But the beauty of Jesus changes everything.

People like Rachel are my heroes – people who have chosen Jesus in the face of so many reasons not to. People who have chosen to take up their cross and follow Him, because of love.

“We can’t say no to something good unless we’re saying yes to something even better.”

Many of us will never be in Rachel’s exact situation, but we will certainly be called to do things that our flesh rebels at. The same questions that Rachel wrestled with will come for us.

Is God good?

Is He trustworthy?

Is He worth it?

If we are anchored in the beauty of Jesus, we will be empowered to say YES.

I Always Took You Where You Needed To Go

As I’m preparing for the next major transition in my life (moving to Dallas!!), I find myself looking back over some of the previous turning points in my life. As I think is common for most people, a number of the things I was expecting to happen… didn’t.

  • I planned to meet my husband at APU… nope.
  • I planned to begin an acting career after I graduated… complete 180.
  • I planned to do OTI summer 2013… plans changed.
  • I planned to stay in CA after OTI… ha.
  • I planned to meet my husband at IHOPU… that didn’t happen either [as far as I know].

That’s the thing about making plans… they don’t always turn out as, well, planned.

Enter this golden Doctor Who quote.
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The woman, Idris, (my car’s namesake) is currently housing the consciousness of the TARDIS– the Doctor’s space ship/time machine. (Yes, the ship has a consciousness… just go with it.) The Doctor takes this unique face-to-face opportunity to accuse her of being unreliable:

The Doctor: “You didn’t always take me where I wanted to go.”
Idris: “No, but I always took you where you needed to go.”

In my experience, God is like that too. He most certainly had not always taken me where I wanted to go. If I had been writing my story, quite a few things would have been different.

But if I had chosen my own path ahead of time, I would have missed out on so much that was meant to be part of my journey.

If I had married someone I met at APU, it probably wouldn’t have been someone connected to the prayer movement and I probably wouldn’t have ended up involved with IHOPKC.

If I had gone into the industry as an actor… who knows where my life would have led. Again, probably not to the prayer movement.

If I had done OTI summer 2013 instead of summer 2012, I would have met completely different people and would still be in IHOPU, if I had even decided to stay.

So many times I had my plans and desires all laid out, and God knew what was better. I knew what I wanted, but He knew what I needed.

Jesus is really good and I trust Him. He has never led me astray, and He never will.

“The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.”
(Proverbs 16:9)

Choose Joy

I hate to feel out of control.

I really, really hate to feel out of control.

I hate when “life happens” (why do people say that as though life is a bad thing?) and monkey wrenches get thrown into my plans. I hate when the carpet gets pulled out from under me and I’m faced with a situation completely outside of my power to fix.

I wish I could say my response to these kinds of situations is immediately godly. I wish I could say my heart is flooded with peace and I keep my eyes set on things above as I recall all the times Jesus has provided for me. Instead, I usually get incredibly frustrated, stressed, and unpleasant. I tend to complain loudly, listing life’s offenses against me as though preparing a legal case to vindicate my right to be frustrated. By the grace of God, though, I think over the years I’ve gradually gotten better at choosing peace and trust and joy more quickly.

This weekend my friend Peter visited Kansas City. We kind of grew up together and were very much in the same youth group cohort in high school. He goes to school three hours away from Kansas City and really wanted to visit the prayer room, so I drove out to pick him up and set him up in a friend’s house for a couple nights. Friday and Saturday were great. We hung out, got pizza, sat in the prayer room, went to service, and played games with some of my worship team.

Sunday I was already running a little late to pick Peter up for church, and I walked outside to icy roads and Idris‘ windows coated with ice. I set myself to the task of scraping, grumping all the way, and then my scraper head broke off from its cozy mitt. Not happy. It took about 15 minutes to scrape my windows, alternating hands while my fingers went numb. I quickly decided that I needed to rise above frustration and choose joy, but I wasn’t very awesome at it. Here’s how that went:

“I’m thankful I have a car. I’m thankful I’m in Kansas City at IHOPU. I’m thankful my scraper still works. I’m thankful there’s no wind. I’m thankful there’s no sign-in at service on Sunday so I won’t lose any attendance points. I’m thankful Peter is cool and won’t be mad if I’m late. (Oh Jesus, my fingers! How much more to scrape?) I’m thankful I have a car. I’m thankful the Holy Spirit lives inside of me and I get to live with Jesus forever. I’m thankful this is my last Missouri winter. Last Missouri winter. Last Missouri winter. Last Missouri winter.”

Church was great, we only missed a little bit of worship, and we were on the road to take Peter home in good time. Until…

Idris stopped accelerating. Being unable to push past 20 mph on the freeway is Not A Good Thing.
long walk and a taxi from good
We pulled over and Peter looked at my engine and walked to buy oil while I called my dad near tears. (As previously stated, I HATE to feel out of control.) I then called AAA for a tow, and we ended up leaving Idris at my mechanic’s shop (he’s an IHOPer I’ve used before and he’s awesome), getting picked up by my wonderful roommate, and borrowing her car to drive Peter back home.

The afternoon was crazy and I was all kinds of stressed, but through it all, I again tried to keep reminding myself of what I have to be thankful for.

I’m thankful I have a car.
I’m thankful Peter was with me when it happened.
I’m thankful my roommates were so encouraging and helpful.
I’m thankful Peter had enough wiggle room not to get in trouble with school.
I’m thankful the tow truck came quickly.
I’m thankful I have an awesome mechanic whom I know and trust.
I’m thankful the roads weren’t icy anymore and we had a safe drive.
I’m thankful my dad was able to talk to me and help me stay calm.
I’m thankful my tax refund just came in and I shouldn’t have trouble paying for repairs.
I’m thankful I live right by IHOPU and my roommate is in my classes so I won’t have trouble getting to school.

Even when crazy things happen, they’re not the end of the world. They are opportunities to choose joy and grow in love and trust for Jesus.

Maybe next time I’ll be even quicker to choose joy.

Loving God Through the Trials

I’m going to be really honest right now. Much of this past year has been really difficult for me. I’ve had a lot of disappointment and confusion and hurt to work through, and I’ve cried more this year than I ever have in one concentrated period in my life.

God has been so, so generous and faithful to my heart through it all. He hasn’t given very many specific answers to my questions, but sometimes, when I get really quiet, He will share with me how He feels about how I’m handling this season.

Today, as I was once again reflecting with Him about how I’ve grown through all of this, I said, “At least I love You more now… I think. Do I really? I don’t even know how to measure that, but that’s all I really want. Do I really love You more now?”

In the next few moments of quiet, as I offered Him that question and listened, He began quoting to me the words of a scene I wrote last year sometime, before any of this happened. It’s a story about Miriam of Bethany and Yeshua of Nazareth, and this conversation takes place soon after Yeshua raises Miriam’s brother from the dead.

“Do you understand now why I had to wait?”

I nodded. “Some. You said it was for the glory of God, that the Son of God would be glorified.”

Yeshua nodded. “Yes. God was glorified today, and he will be glorified so much more because of this. I’m only sorry it caused you so much pain in the waiting. But Miriam—I am so proud of the way you refused to stay offended! You felt the doubt and fear and anger, but time and time again during those four days you pressed through and chose trust over offence. That delights my Father and me so much.

My stomach fluttered, and I looked down, then back up at Yeshua’s twinkling eyes. “I would have given up so many times, but I guess I’m just too stubborn.”

Yeshua threw back his head and laughed. “That’s okay,” he said. “Stubborn love is my favourite kind, because that’s what it becomes when it has an obstacle to overcome. The obstacles prove your love is real.”

“They prove my love to God? Doesn’t he know all things?”

“Yes, of course. But don’t you love me more now than you did before? Your love has been tested and strengthened and refined because we’ve been through something together. So it proves your love to you, and also to the world, because loving God through the trials is declaring that he is worthy of it.”

“And God is glorified.”

“And God is glorified.”

In the midst of the trial, when every circumstance is screaming that God let you down and that He doesn’t know what He’s doing, your stubborn, weak prayers of “God, I love You and I trust You,” are so powerful. They declare to you and to the world that even this valley cannot make God less than who He is.

Love in the midst of hardship carries a very unique kind of fragrance to God. I believe that’s why the blood of the martyrs is so precious to Him. What else can bring Him glory and touch His heart like one who chooses to love Him in a moment when they are given every reason not to?

I discovered that I do love Him more now, because my love has been tested and strengthened. I have walked through the wilderness and I have come up leaning on Him. (Song 8:5)

And God is glorified.

“But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.”
(Psalm 13:5-6)

Daddy Jireh Strikes Again

Here’s my big news of the week thus far:

I GOT A JOB!!!

Two Sundays ago, four days after I moved in, I started driving around town picking up job applications. I literally just drove around and walked into every store that looked interesting. Not necessarily the most strategic way to get the job of your dreams, but it is indeed an effective way to get *a* job, especially if you just need part-time whatever. Bed Bath & Beyond was hiring, so I picked up an application and took it home. I spent the rest of the week filling out apps and returning them, finally making it back to BBB on Friday. I would have had an immediate interview if the manager wasn’t busy, so he called me back on Monday and I interviewed, got hired, and had my first two training shifts on Tuesday and Wednesday. WOW!! That was so crazy fast! God is so good!! Third application submitted, first interview, less than two weeks after moving? WHAT???? That’s called extravagance, ladies and gents. God doesn’t do things for his children by halves.

The staff have been really friendly and supportive, another girl from IHOPU works there, and I found two Whovians and a guy from California. HA. (The Whovians and I agree that Peter Capaldi will grow on us just as Matt did. And we will all cry when Eleven regenerates just like we did for Ten.) I’m working in soft lines, which is the towels and bedding and draperies and such. FABRIC. I get to touch fabric and learn about it and talk about it and help customers pick out the right things and best matching combinations… I have sooo much to learn, but they’re going to train me very thoroughly and I will love it here. (And I’m making over minimum wage for this state, which is nice.)

I have the sneaking suspicion that my life is about to get rather overwhelming and sleep will become even more of a rarity than it already is, but it’s completely okay because I LOVE what my life is right now. I’m getting so much good biblical teaching, I have an amazing small group that already blesses me so much, I have the perfect apartment with one of my best friends, I have an INCOME (hallelujah), and best of all, I get to spend almost every morning in the prayer room talking with Jesus as the sun rises. His mercies are new every morning. 🙂

A few particular prayer requests:

  • Favour and quick learning in my new job.
  • A bike so I don’t have to use quite so much gas.
  • Grace and time to work on my creative projects– piano and writing, etc.
  • Continued financial provision.
  • The spirit of wisdom and revelation and I pray and study (Ephesians 1:17).
  • God to use me wherever I go.

The Road Home: Trust in the Waiting

Two weeks ago, my life felt out of control. I felt like I didn’t know anything solid about my future. Over the past couple of months, I have applied for

  • an apartment in Kansas City,
  • an ideal-sounding summer job about which I shall remain mum for now, and
  • official intern transfer to IHOPU.

Each one of these has its own tangled history of lost applications, phone tag, miscommunication, and last minute deadlines. I’ve been constantly stressed about all of it.

I’ve been meeting every week with several of my coworkers to pray and study the Word together. This group has become a huge blessing to me. We’ve all been praying for different things in our lives, and one by one we’re all starting to see answers.

  • I’ve been confirmed for the Kansas City apartment, in a basement with at least one of my former coremates. Perfect location, rent, utilities, everything.
  • I’ve made good contact with the summer job people, and while nothing is confirmed yet, it doesn’t look as hopeless as I thought it was after I found out my application had gotten lost. I also got permission from my camp manager to leave a week or two early if necessary. If this works, it will be perfect.
  • I was finally able to resubmit all pieces of my IHOPU app once the first one was lost in the mail. I had my phone interview on Friday. As soon as I hear back from them on my official acceptance I will be able to register for SEEP, and not a day early!

Not everything’s 100% settled yet, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. God’s pulling me through. I’ve even been able to figure out my driving schedule and plan to see various friends along the way!

It’s been encouraging to remember the times in the past that God has come through for me. A year ago, when I was preparing to leave for OTI, there were plenty of obstacles thrown at me, most of which are chronicled on this very blog.

I still don’t know exactly how all of this will work out, especially concerning the employment issue. But this I know:

He who has been faithful
will be faithful.

He has called me, he has chosen me, and he will be faithful to get my butt where it needs to be.

“God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.”
(1 Corinthians 1:9)

Walk Like You Can See

…or, “In Which God Comes Through and Idris Comes Home.”

Here’s what happened. After my new car abruptly died about two weeks ago, it went to our mechanic to be checked out. My mom called the guy who sold me the car to ask his advice. He told us to take it over to his mechanic and that he would help pay for repairs. (Wow.) So we took it to his mechanic… and discovered that it had one of two problems. One would cost a couple hundred to fix, the other would cost close to a thousand. Not good. When my dad relayed this info to me on the phone…I don’t like to use the word “panicked,” but the phrase “deeply concerned” feels apt. I had no idea how I would pay for my baby to get fixed, even if the dealer helped out.

I remember saying to my dad that a certain quote from (you guessed it) Doctor Who felt very relevant.

The Doctor: “Amy. You need to start trusting me; it’s never been more important… You’re going to have to walk like you can see.”

Doctor Who series 5 episode 5 “Flesh And Stone”

Up until now, my path to Kansas City had been pretty well laid out. I’d done the math. I didn’t send out support letters; one year of working at camp was more than enough to fund tuition and a car. I had everything budgeted down to the last dollar, then this happened.

And I suddenly had to walk like I could see.

I knew I was gonna get there. No question whatsoever. I just didn’t know how.
It’s like watching a TV episode where you know everyone’s going to be okay and they’ll get out of the mess somehow, but you keep watching to see how it’s going to happen.

So, after a few tense days, we learned that it was the more expensive problem– I had blown a head gasket. Apparently, that is very much Not A Good Thing.

That’s where God stepped in.

The dealer was more than true to his word and not only paid for THE ENTIRE REPAIR, but he also drove my car around town for a few days just to make sure it wasn’t going to fail on me again. I picked it up from his lot on Tuesday evening, and it has been driving like a dream ever since. 🙂

I am absolutely blown away by how good God has been to me in this whole process. It’s like over and over he keeps stepping in and announcing to the world, “Look, I said she’s going to IHOP–she’s going! Don’t you dare try to put anything in my daughter’s way, because I’ll just knock it aside!”

Kansas City, here I come!